Wrong On So Many Levels
by Evie2
Summary: MWPP, yr. 4. Whoa! James finds way too many people in his bed, Sirius hits on lily(j/k), Sirius hits on Remus(j/k), james hits sirius, watch the tale unfold! much maruading, evil socks, a happy lil' werewolf, & an uncorrupted Peter. not slash
1. A Bad Wake Up Call

Disclaimer and notes: I don't own Harry Potter, or that fine 12 year old that plays him. (ew.....) Also, I use a lot of slashy humor in this story, but I don't mean any of it. Just laugh people, lighten up! Sirius and I might have several conversations during this piece, so don't be surprised. This takes place in their fourth year. Will you make my day and review? Please????  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
James was awake before he opened his eyes. It was the first day of the Christmas holiday. There were no classes, and no reason to get up. He felt warm. He felt happy. He felt....crowded. Opening his eyes, James was surprised to be staring into the sleeping face of Sirius Black. He looked to his left. Peter Pettigrew. And why were his feet so warm? Remus Lupin, curled up at the foot of the bed. James felt rather uncomfortable. Not that he didn't love his friends, but a man has his limits. He jabbed Sirius in the ribs.  
"Ouch! You know, you could think of a nicer way to say `good morning'," he grumbled.  
"There are a few things I don't want to see first thing when I wake up," James said, "number one, anything that was made in potions class; number two, Snape; number three, anyone who is in my bed that shouldn't be. That means you three."  
"Aw Jamsie, I know I'm not as pretty as Lily, but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings!" Sirius stifled his laughter in his, er, James', pillow.  
James was a fairly patient person, but it was early. Too early for this. Enough was enough. "What are you doing here?!"  
"I got cold."  
All this commotion woke Peter up. He flopped over onto his side, and unknowingly further incurred the wrath, okay okay, annoyance, of James.  
"And you! What are you doing here?" he asked Peter.  
"Well, I kinda, I kinda, I had a nightmare," Peter said, "and I saw Sirius crawl over here and, I dunno, I guess-" "We made a party!" Remus shouted, jumping up at the end of the bed.  
"Oh good God," James groaned, "what's your excuse?"  
"Everyone else was over here, and I was feeling lonely," Remus shrugged. He yawned, rolled off the bed, and stretched his back into a position that no human being should be able to make.  
"No human being should be able to stretch like that," Sirius commented for the author. (A/N: Thanks, Padfoot.) "No problem," said Sirius.  
"No human should turn into a wolf once a month either, but hey, I'm special," Remus said, actually yawning the last half of that sentence out.  
Peter rolled over and went back to sleep, cuddling the bright blue bear he had cleverly named "Boo Bear". Sirius gave a small grunt and snuggled back into the warm covers. "Sorry to impose on your masculinity like this," he said.   
"It's okay. After four years, I should be used to it," James replied.  
Remus gave a sudden jolt from across the room. "See you bed bugs later, I have a date with breakfast." He sprinted out of the room.  
"Damn his early morning peppiness," Sirius grumbled and went back to sleep. James silently agreed, and climbed over Sirius to get out of bed. He got dressed and decided to go join Remus at breakfast. He looked back at Sirius, Peter, and Boo Bear, all three sleeping soundly. Unconsciously, Sirius threw one arm over Peter. James shook his head and walked out the door. No amount of coffee was going to be able to fix this morning........  
Little did James know that as soon as he left the room, two white socks scuttled out from under Peter's bed and slowly made their way across the room, plotting doom and demise for all. (A/N: if you don't understand this, please read "Harry Learns the Facts of Life", also written by me. you still won't understand, but it will be funnier, I promise. :) 


	2. Evil Breakfast

Disclaimer/notes: Okay, I still don't own Harry Potter, but I still wish I did... sigh.... I'm not a pediphile i'm not a pediphile i'm not a pediphile i'm not a pediphile......  
  
James was convinced that if he was blind, he would still be able to find his way to the Great Hall by his nose. The food was always fantastic, even this early in the morning.   
He gave Lily a small kiss on the cheek as he sat down at the table.  
"Hey," Remus gave an indignant squeek.  
"Sorry Remus, no kiss for you," James said, stuffing some eggs into his mouth.  
Remus blushed (he hated that sort of humor) and preceeded, "No, you're wearing my shirt."  
James looked down, and back at Remus. "Well, ha, so I am!"  
"Well, that's okay, I mean, as long as you stay away from the socks, you'll be fine," Remus gave in. "You'll never believe how my socks have been behaving lately....."  
"HEY! HEY YOU GUYS!!!" Sirius shouted, running into the Great Hall, and catching the attention of the few students and faculty members there. He slid into his seat at the table, nearly knocking Remus out of his. "Guess what?" he asked, in breathless excitement.  
"Whoa, look who woke up," James commented.  
"I just found the perfect prank to play on Snape! It'll even get him to wash his hair, finally!" he hopped around and squirmed in his chair. "Really you guys, this is gonna be great!"   
James stared at him blankly, and Lily unsuccessfully tried to stiffle a laugh with her hand. Remus slapped him on the head, probably harder than necessary. This gave Sirius his much needed revelation. "He's standing right behind me, isn't he?"  
"What is this prank, Sirius? I'd be very interested to hear about it," came the cold reply from behind him.  
"Well, I'd tell you, Sevy baby, but I don't think you'd understand it. Let me think of some little words to use, and I'll get back to you later," he said in the most sickeningly sweet voice he could manage.  
"I've got a question for you, Black," he sneered, "it might answer a lot of things aobut you?"  
"And what would that be?" Sirius growled back.  
"I've read a lot of books, heard a lot of stories, and I was just wondering if it's true that sleeping with a werewolf will make you mad."  
Remus choked on his orange juice. The other three at the table held his or her breath and watched as Remus' face made the most evident expression of defeat and horror. He started to stutter, but no real words came out.  
"Yes, I know. Of course, I know!" Snape said triumphantly. "It was so obvious for so long! How could I not have realized it before last week?" He waited a moment before continuing, just to make Remus suffer. "And before the end of the day, the rest of the school will know, too. They'll all write home to Mummy and Daddy, telling them about the nasty monster they are forced to go to school with. And Mummy and Daddy will complain and complain until they are sure their little babies are safe. You'll be on a train home by the end of the week. You will write and tell me what it's like being a muggle, won't you?"  
The ecstasy on Snape's face was clear. He had won, he had caught the marauders at something. And now one of them would have to leave. It was the proudest moment he'd had in a long time.   
Remus looked helplessly at his friends. They each looked back, equally helpless. Then, something twinkled in Remus' eye, and he turned to face Severus with a new note of confidence in his voice.   
"Well, seeing as you might feel the need to share our little secret," Remus said casually, "I just might feel the need to nibble on your ear. You are sharp enough to understand what that means, don't you?"  
By the look on Snape's face, he was definitely sharp enough to understand. He looked as though a bomb had just been dropped.  
"Not to mention, I have an interesting secret of my own to share about you," Remus continued. He stood up and whispered something into Snape's ear. Sirius cringed at how close Remus was to Snape's hair.   
"You...you...oh!" Snape roared. "How could you know? That's impossible!" Remus just laughed. "If you ever tell ANYONE..." Snape trailed off.  
"Oh, but I won't be telling anyone, as long as you can keep our secret amongst us," Remus said cheerfully. "And seeing as you have much more to lose, because if you tell, I WILL bite you, I would advise you to keep your dirty mouth shut."  
Snape flashed a painful shade of red. "You would never..."  
"Oh, but I would!" Remus sincerely lied (and he was lying, he would never wish this on his worst enemy, not even Snape). Snape stormed out of the Hall.  
Sirius, James, and Lily stared at Remus in horror. Peter came out of nowhere and plopped into his seat.  
"Why so glum, not to mention late?" Remus cheerfully asked Peter.  
"Boo Bear and I were just attacked by a couple of socks. The injuries were minor," Peter explained. "A little magic, and he's as good as new." Peter patted his bookbag, referring to the bear that was hidden not only by the cover of the bag, but by an invisibility charm, kindly provided by Lily.  
"Well, thanks be for that!" Remus said, shoveling some pancake into his mouth.  
Sirius bit Remus.  
"Now, what in hell did you do that for!" Remus yelled, craddling his injured arm.  
"I dunno," Sirius shrugged, "just all this talk about biting people made me wonder what you tasted like. Am I going to turn into a werewolf now?"  
"NO! I'M NOT POISONOUS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Remus stood up and shouted at him. Sirius didn't appear a bit flustered. Professor Dumbledore, however, sliently caught the boys' attention and raised an eyebrow. Remus gave a small wave and sat back down.  
"You know what bothers me?" James said, breaking his long silence.  
"What's that?" Sirius asked.  
"That you didn't even give Snape hell for saying you and Remus slept together."  
Sirius thought for a minute. "Oh, that's right!"  
He pointed his concealed wand at Snape and muttered a few incoherent words under his breath. Snape suddenly found his hair to be full of spikey bush burs.  
"Hee hee," said Sirius.  
(A/N: That chapter wasn't planned, it was sort of spontaneous, but I like it. I like anything this late at night, well, erm, most things. yeah, okay, now I sound like a whore.... ANYWAY! MORE FUN TO COME! AND SOON!)  
***SHAMELESS PLUG*** please go read my other stories while you're waiting for the next installment of this one to come out. "Harry Learns the Facts of Life" and "The First Word". I've been told that both are really funny. Go, now, and serve your evil master! MUHAHAHAHAHA! 


	3. Something Rotten in the State of Griffyn...

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own the characters of this story. I know I know, but you'll have to attempt to control your shock....  
OKAY KIDDIES, HERE'S WHERE THE PLOT STARTS! Yes, yes, there's a bit of a plot to it! Muhahahaha, I had you fooled, didn't I? Insolent mortals! (I don't know what the word "insolent" means). There's some slashy humour (ooh, look at my spelling! I'm British!) but it's just as a joke. Enjoy.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Since he'd heard the story of what happened at breakfast before his grand entrance, Peter had done his best to stay out of sight. He knew Snape would be wanting his revenge, and he wasn't to keen on being around when it happened. It wasn't until he realized that there was safety in numbers, and that Snape and Malfoy and their gang would just love to get him cornered alone, without his friends for protection. And it wasn't until Peter had seen the situation in the Griffyndor common room that he decided he'd rather be with Snape and Malfoy with a wand up his arse (ouch) at the moment than in the path of this hurricane.  
The first things he saw were calm enough. A fire lit the common room up with its orange glow, snow falling gently outside the window, festive Christmas decorations abound, and no mutinous socks in sight. Remus was curled up in one of the big squashy chairs, a book in his lap, and his cat, Totes, curled up on his stomach.  
"You have to do it, Si," he was explaining, "it's, like, the rules. You'll be offending the Christmas gods if you don't do it."  
That's when Peter noticed that not all was calm in Muraurder-Land. A red-faced James had a firm hold on Sirius' neck, who was trying his best to look nervous and not very much amused (which he obviously was). Lily seemed half way between a scream and a laugh. Looking up, Peter saw the source of the trouble, and understood. Sirius and Lily were caught under the misletoe.  
"Offend the `Christmas gods'?!" James bellowed. He licked his lips and continued in a hushed, even voice, "You do kiss her, and you'll be offending me. And trust me, suffering my wrath will be worse than that of the `Christmas gods'."  
Until this point, Sirius had been doing a pretty good job of keeping his face stoic. He crumbled into a shivering mass of giggles. Yes, giggles. Peter crossed the room and sat down next to Remus, who looked more than delighted at the turn of events.  
"Oh, James, will you grow up?" Lily said, exasperated. "Honestly, I can hardly even stand him half the time, one kiss is not going to steal me away, you big baby."  
James looked as though he'd been shot and let go of Sirius' neck. He looked back and forth between Lily and Sirius several times, trying to make up his mind.  
"Alright," he sighed, "but make it quick." Sirius grinned mischieviously and turned to Lily. "Oh, and keep your hands where I can see them," James added.  
"Not a problem, mi amigo," Sirius said, and proceeded to do just the opposite. He wrapped his arms around her, dipped her backwards with a flourish, and kissed her. And kissed her. And kissed her for a minute more. When he was finished, both Lily and James needed support. Remus looked like he was going to need an oxygen mask any moment, trying to supress his laughter and shock. Peter actually thought for a moment that James was going to make a skillfull recovery, but that was before Lily muttered one word that changed that happy fantasy.  
"Wow......."  
At this one word, James lept on Sirius and wrestled him to the floor, making several attempts to hit him as Sirius wildly ducked his punches, laughing like a madman.  
"Hey Jamsie, Jamsie boy, back off, and maybe I'll give you a kiss too! You know, this sort of thing wouldn't happen if you'd just snog you're girlfriend properly. Hey, maybe I can teach her, and she can give you lessons!"  
James finally made contact with Sirius' nose. This stopped his laughter, but it was obvious his glee was not subdued in the least.  
"Yeah, I probably deserved that," he said, inspecting his nose in the mirror, which was bleeding all over his shirt. Wait, no, not HIS shirt....  
"Hey!" Remus gave an indignant squeek.  
"Sorry, Remus, no kiss for you," Sirius said, trying to block the bleeding with some tissue.  
"No! That's my shirt!" Remus said as Totes lesurely stretched and yawned. "Honestly, can't you two do your own laundry? Wait, I know the answer to that....."  
Lily quietly excused herself and rushed up to the girls dormitry.  
"Good night, Love," Sirius called after her.   
Remus quickly shoved Totes (who was rather disturbed by his mistreatment) off of him so he could grab James and pull him back from slaughtering Sirius. Sirius went to hide behind Peter.   
"C'mon, James," Remus tried to reason, "Lily likes you more. You know it's true. She loves you. Sirius was just smooth with her. She'll forget about it by tomorrow. She's your girlfriend, be a man."  
It looked like the storm had ebbed. For now. James took a deep breath in and out.  
"Sirius, you and Lily, well, you don't, you know, feel anyway about her, right?" James said cautiously.  
Sirius played with his options and weighed his consequences carefully, and came up with the answer (which Remus was happy to know as the truth), "No, Jamsie, she's just a friend."  
James gave a relieved sigh. "Oh, okay then."  
"Besides," Sirius added, "everyone knows Peter and I are an item."  
Peter gave a terrified yelp as Sirius wrapped his arms around him. He grabbed his bookbag (which he carried everywhere, because it contained Boo Bear) and ran up to the boys' dorm.  
James twitched his foot in an anxious way, looking from object to object. "Well, you'd just better hope everything's forgotten by tomorrow." James stormed up the staircase. "Or else!" he added, just as soon as he'd gone out of sight.  
Remus and Sirius stared at each other, not knowing what to say. Remus tenatively asked, "So, what are the rest of us missing out on?"  
Sirius slowly let a smile form across his face. "I dunno, I think she was stunned."   
Remus chuckled as he scooped up his grumpy cat and his book and made his way to the dorms. Sirius curled up on the couch and stared into the fire. This had been a most interesting day. He wasn't even sure why he'd kissed Lily like that, other than to annoy James. But that was reason enough. He peacefully fell asleep, but not before making the terrible mistake of removing his socks....  
(A/N: Ahaha! I'm sorry, I just had to add the sock thing in there. I hope you liked this last chapter, please make me a happy little person and review it! I'll be writing more soon, maybe to-night, maybe to-morrow. There's a pretty big slashy joke coming up, but i'm not sure if it'll find itself in the next chapter or in one after that. i'm not sure how this is going to end. it'll be interesting though, i'll garuntee that. Same time, same channel, cowboys and cowgirls! YEEE HAW!)  
"Hey, I'm trying to sleep here!" Sirius said. "You even said that I peacefully fell asleep!"  
(A/N: oh, sorry.)  
"That's okay."  
(A/N: how come you never kiss ME like that?)  
"Oh cripes, I don't want to talk about it now. I'm tired. Can I use the bathroom to-morrow? You didn't let me go all day to-day. And, I didn't eat lunch or dinner in this fic, I'm hungry.  
(A/N: well, all that stuff is implied. it's up to you to take care of your basic needs.)  
"Oh, okay then. Sorry."  
(A/N: that's okay. You are aware I tried to end this chapter with my note a few lines up?)  
"Yeah. Maybe you should whisper next time, as not to disturb me."  
(A/N: okay, I'll do that. Good night.)  
"Good night."  
(A/N: (whispering) see you guys next chapter. bye bye!)  
"That's better. Blimey, all you author up, talking have the night like there's no tomorrow. Well, one of these days I'll show you what's what. Darn right I-"  
  
Hee hee, I ended the chapter. So much for his crazy threats! 


	4. Sirius' Redemption and Remus' Demise

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own Harry Potter. I don't have any notes at the moment. Except to apologize for my insanity.  
  
"Mr. Black! Mr. Black, will you wake up?"  
"AHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
Professor McGonnagal stood perched over Sirius, her face twisted into a sour expression of disapproval. Sirius forced his heart beat to slow down. He didn't think seeing McGonnagal first thing in the morning would be quite this terrifying. He smiled on the inside when he realized what James must go through on those occasions when he woke up with the three of them asleep in his bed. He pondered for a moment what James would say if he woke up next to McGonnagal....  
"Mr. Black, would you please explain to me why you spent the night in the commons?" McGonnagal asked roughly.  
"Well, you see, James and I had a fight, and he made me sleep on the couch," Sirius said, not caring what the repercussions would be from the prude professor.  
McGonnagal gave him a hard stare for a moment, and then quitely said, "I don't want to know. I just don't need to know." She turned and walked towards the portrait hole. "Oh, and Mr. Black," she added on her way out, "please do try to control your socks. I believe they're trying to mate."  
Sirius waited until she had left before he jumped off the couch and raced upstairs to his dorm. James was sitting on this edge of his bed. Remus was (not surprisingly) sleeping like a baby. Peter was sitting in a soft chair in the corner, trying to talk some sense into three or four socks, apparently the mating ones. They weren't listening. Sirius stood in an uncomfortable silence while he waited for James to notice him. But James was too deep in thought. Sirius hoped to God he wasn't thinking about last night's "incident".  
"James?" Sirius tentatively said.  
James was startled out of his thoughts. "Oh, you," he said.  
*damn* Sirius thought. Silence, once again uncomfortable, ensued.  
"I talked to Lily," James finally said.  
"And?" Sirius held his breath.  
Anger flashed over James' face. "She didn't forget about it."  
"Oops," Sirius muttered. "But she still, I mean, she's YOUR girlfriend James. Right?"  
"You're damn right, she is. What, you think she'd actually dump me over one kiss? You've got quite the opinion of yourself," James said, very coldly.  
Sirius wasn't exactly an emotional guy, well, on the outside, but things like that have the ability to sting anyone.  
"What did you think you were doing, kissing my girlfriend like that?" James bellowed. Peter decided that now would be a good time to go down to breakfast.  
"Okay okay, listen close, becuase I'm not going to say it again." Sirius cleared his throat. "I made a mistake. I'm sorry."  
James looked somewhat impressed, and back to his senses. "Well...that's...coming from you..." James let a small smile spread over his face. "In the words of my lovely, `Wow'."  
Sirius allowed himself a chuckle. "So, you're convinced now?"  
"Not completely," James said honestly.  
Sirius sighed and went into deep contemplation for a minute. He looked over at Remus. Poor, sleeping, unsuspecting Remus. An idea flashed so brightly in his mind, that James could see it shining right through his eyes.  
*i AM a truly evil person* Sirius thought.  
"Okay Jamsie boy, I've got a plan that will convince you that a kiss between friends is nothing to be concerned about."  
"Oh no, those are the words I love and hate," James groaned. "Sirius has a plan."  
Poor, poor, sleeping, innocent Remus.  
Sirius made no effort to be quiet as he walked over to Remus' bed and lay down next to him. (A/N: I know, my grammer sucks. please forgive.) Totes gave a cranky yowl and jumped away from Sirius, who he had grown to dislike since he had mysteriously been turned bright pink one day. James observed with humor that Totes was a pretty good judge of character. Sirius knew he didn't need to be quiet, because Remus slept like a log. Really. He had once slept through two fourteen year old boys jumping up and down on his bed. So, Sirius wasn't being too cautious. He tapped Remus between the eyes until he showed some signs of consciousness. James' suspisions of Sirius' plan were confirmed when Sirius threw one arm over Remus chest and snuggled up next to him.  
"Good morning, Love," Sirius cooed as Remus woke up.  
Quickly snapping into full alertness, as was his character, Remus stared back at Sirius with wide, horrified eyes. Sirius kept his character and continued unruffled.  
"I've been thinking about us for a while, and I think we're meant to be together," he said sincerely.  
"WHAT?" Remus gave a terrified squeek.  
James was having a serious problem not collapsing to the ground with laughter. Sirius was doing a very good job at lying. He tightened his grip on the frightened werewolf and continued.  
"Oh, Remus, I think I'm in love!" he said, and quickly planted a kiss on Remus' mouth.  
Remus stopped squirming, and froze in sheer terror. Then he screamed, flailed his arms and legs until he was out of Sirius' grasp, and fled the dorm room. He turned long enough to see both James and Sirius doubled over with laughter. Remus had never been anywhere near stupid, but anyone was gullible this early in the morning. He stormed away in embarrassment, realizing that the joke had been on him, and that it must have been Sirius' way of proving himself to James.   
"Okay, okay, I believe you," James said as soon as he'd caught his breath.  
"Well, finally!" Sirius gasped. "Don't you ever make me do that again!!!" He was pulling out his tooth brush.  
James started to ask Sirius a question, but was interrupted when the socks staged a small protest. Something about bleach causing impotency.  
"So, tell me honestly," James said, after the freakishly strong socks had been subdued into a hamper, "who's the better kisser, Remus or Lily?"  
"Now, that's I question I never thought I'd be asked," Sirius responded. "And it's a question that I'll never answer. A two edged sword, that question."  
"You're right, my bad," James sheepishly responded. "I'd suggest that move next time Snape gets snippy, just to shut him up, but I reckon we'll have a whole new batch of troubles now that we have a psychologically disturbed werewolf on our hands."  
"Well, there is one bright side to this," Sirius said optomistically.  
"And what's that?"  
"At least he didn't say `wow'."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* THE END*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Hope you enjoyed! Please review and tell me if I should right more maruader fics! I'm thinking about starting, like, a series. Sort of. Something with the on going joke of the socks (oh damn them, the infamous socks) and maybe one about what happened when Remus' cat was turned bright pink. Anyway, toodles! 


End file.
